PUT A (NEW) RING ON IT!

It's now been 14 months since I started this health journey. This Thanksgiving one of my wedding rings fell off my finger and was lost for a day. I realized how loose they were a week ago and was thinking I should have them adjusted...but of course time alluded me for that.

For years I have been blessed to serve God under an amazing leader who battled her own health journey and armed herself with all the knowledge of leading a healthy life. And yes, I have been listening and this entire time I have been getting healthy on the spiritual and emotional side and not really thinking about the physical side. Now this physical side has come into alignment once again.

The one thing I realized is that my self confidence has somehow failed me. Let me explain.
Being confident in who I am, who I want to be and who God has designed for me to be has never been an issue for me. However, because of this confidence I have somehow failed to see some very obvious things in front of me.

Funny how the thing that makes you strong actually makes you weak.

I can remember that during my entire life I have always been confident in who I was. Regardless of what size I wore I knew I could do anything I focused on and desired to. My confidence always attracted friends and always kept me at the top of my class. Now I can look back and see where this confidence actually failed me in other ways. I was asking my husband about what he thought of my confidence when we met and he admitted that he was attracted to me because I always knew who I was and what I wanted and where I was going. He wanted to go on that ride too! lol!

So, this confidence could have very much saved my life as a little girl, helped me cope, pushed me to be the best at school, made me look for challenges and led me to my dear husband. But at some point there comes a moment of inspection to see where this confidence can also make me weak and allow myself a moment of humility where I can grow.

I heard a trainer say "Pain is weakness leaving your body." I had to sit and chew on how profound this actually was. It reminded "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."  (2Timothy 1:7)

Maybe mine was just a bit misguided and lacking of self-control but the confidence came from God, grown through some pain and now living in a body filled with strength! Now if I can only get my rings adjusted.....or have my husband "PUT A RING ON IT' ....as an encore of course! ;)


Scriptures to lean on:

Psalm 27:3

Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

ps... if Daddy wont... my son will! :)

Carry the Load

So I have to admit I'm a bit of a princess at home. My husband has spoiled me and he kindly pointed it out.

Our home has multiple levels and sometimes a heavy laundry basket can't seem to make it's way down the stairs or up the stairs. I put it in the middle of the walk way to clue him in to carry it for me to the location I need it in. He came home one evening and a basket was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs to carry up. He walked into our room with the basket and asked... "How do these baskets make it up and down on their own when I'm not around? You are not weak, sometimes you just choose to be." and with that he set me in place!

Ha, such a little comment about a silly basket but it actually hit me to heart. How many times have I been fully equipped to do something but refuse to lean on the strength growing within and wait for the "savior" to help us carry the load. Society, culture our very own self keeps us tied to an identity of weakness that is not ours to hold.  I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME! (Phil 4:13)

I gained 89 pounds, mostly in my belly, with the triplets and when Doctors urged us to "reduce" (medical term for abortion) in order to give the other two a better chance at survival I didn't flinch and instantly understood..."You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." (Psalm 139:13) This 5 foot frame carried triplets with no high blood pressure, no gestational diabetes, no anemia and no preeclampsia...the question is, what can't I do?!

Sometimes you just forget and need someone to put you in your place! Gotta go.....there's a basket with my name! ;)

THE "F" WORD

So, as many of us do…today I was trying to clean house. I have become such an expunger and need to rid myself of excess furniture, clothes, shoes, trinkets and clean house! I ran across our triplet stroller and decided to post it in Craigs List. Soon, I was contacted by a pregnant mom who was in the early stages of her triplet pregnancy and had a few questions. She was interested in the stroller but also was contemplating “reduction” (medical term for early abortion as a means to save the other multiples) as recommended by her Doctor. She asked me how I came to my conclusion to carry all three and how I am doing today. Odd for a Craigs List posting eh? Ok God…..I’m always ready to share!  I didn’t hold back….I told her the story.

The point came that I had to decide what I truly believed in and what was I going to stand on. Facts, Fiction or Faith? 

Doctors had Facts. They gave me statistics and scenarios and even people I could discuss them with that had been on the same journey.

The world had Fiction….was I going to believe what this world was trying to tell me? The lies the enemy was about to put in my head and the insecurity he would try to sell me now?

Faith……the one thing that I knew that I knew that I knew and had not failed me! No, not all my prayers have been answered the way I wanted them to but they had been answered and always to my betterment!

I think we all get to a point in our lives where we are stripped of the exterior and are left to see what truly lives in the inside. Sometimes, we don’t even know what it is until its exposed. Here is what I found:

1. Facts…they constantly change! New discovery, new science and new findings!

2. Fiction…it’s what the world would like us to believe and what the enemy speaks!

3. Faith….is constant….His word never changes! It is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow! (Hebrews 13:8)

So, here I am, on the other side of the story. Yes, you may think it’s easy for me to preach this now but know that there was deep loss that we went through along this journey. The journey….this path you are to walk alone with nobody….but God to look to. I can only tell you what the bible says and I can share my life with you. At the end, you have to decide on your own F word. Which is it?

And I venture to say that yes, sometimes it’s ok to even use the 4^th F word…..it’s ok to admit that sometimes things just stink! But you'll have to decide at some point leave that spot, wipe the tears and sweat and walk... or even drag yourself out if you have to! I did.

Scriptures to lean on:

Isaiah 54

THE WALK HOME...

Again, I was cleaning out closets when I ran across a photo album of the year I studied in Spain. Here I found silly pictures and started leafing through the pages of my past. So lost, alone and unaware. Then I found it! The HOST! Yes, the very host (holy bread) blessed in church to eat as a reminder of His death!! Oh the story!!! Tears filled my eyes and I cried for that girl!!!

While living in Granada in my late teens early 20’s I had been very lost and….searching. I found myself in a world with others on the same journey. I did things teens sometimes do and in positions I stumbled upon. One night, after an evening at some bars, we ended up at a Moroccan Tea shop which are so very popular in Spain. A few hours of chai tea and smoking hash I started a quiet, lovely and picturesque walk to my house. I was blessed to be living with a host family that had a picturesque home right next to The Alahambra and all it’s little shops and old churches. On my walk home I became increasingly paranoid and couldn’t think straight. I quickened my pace and thought about how much this street looked like a back lot of a studio. That it was too picturesque and too perfect. I just knew it had to be a set up by the government. I was so busy convincing myself that I was being watch that I barely noticed it!

A host. Yes, a host…the big white round one with the cross imprinted on it! Yes, the one a priest blesses as Christ’s body for us to share… there on the floor, at 2am, in the dark, in Spain, on the street! What? Surely this was part of the plot I was being set up for right? Paranoia grew. Surely I was hallucinating this! I was too high.  Mental note: No more tea and hash for me. So, I kept walking but was getting closer to it and yet it didn’t disappear. Ah, a brilliant thought! It wasn’t there was it? No, it couldn’t be! A plan: I’ll step on it and prove to myself that it’s an illusion! So I walked and tried not to look at it and stepped on it and took another step….I heard it! A very clear and audible crunching sound!!! What??? I pivoted around and stared at it….now behind me….cracked, with a clear shoe mark on it. Broken into two pieces………

I fell to my knee’s, tears fell down my face, and here….it was my turn to break in two!!! Who was I? Lost, in a foreign world, unaware of what my current actions would do in my life so many years later. I refused to believe in this host, on the floor, so I challenged it’s existence. Yet, it still lay there, no broken because of me! He loved me!!! Even if I refused to believe in his existence and chose to challenge it by stepping on it….it remained! I sat there crying and picked it up and ran home! Woke up my roommate to tell him about it…..though not a believer he was clearly moved and at first light….he went to church with me and we sat there quietly.

I’d like to tell you my life changed immediately and I never did anything wrong again! I’d like to tell you that….but it did take me a little longer however, that was the day “that I first believed.”

Here I am 13 years later. On my living room floor, with 3 year old triplets running around and asking me what this white broken thing was. The mercy, grace….how do I explain that to them? “Mami what’s that?”…..all I could mutter… “A present from God.”

Now I see how so many times I stepped on a gift, questioned its validity, ignored it’s existence, challenged it’s truth and yet it remained. Broken and stepped upon yet the pure value untouched. Such a testimony to my life….and to yours!

Scripture to lean on:

Mark 5: 24-34

John 4

John 9:1-20

Matthew 4:4

I attended a new ministry at our church called Celebrate Recovery last night and found myself looking straight into a mirror. My husband told me I would. Have you ever had that moment when you’re minding your own business and doing things you know you “should” do and all of a sudden (ha, like things are by happenstance….nope!) you’re staring straight into a mirror at your own reflection!!! The last person I expected to meet there was myself!!!  The one thing I have learned in ministry is that by putting yourself in a world of serving others, you yourself also get served.

So right now, my busiest season with GodChicks right around the corner I start this journey. As I usually do around this time, I ask God to search me and help me bring to light whatever I’m trying to hide in darkness. Never an easy request but always a stretching, growing and beneficial one! So here I was, with my prayer once again and enter CR. In my studies I kept coming across the scripture Matthew 4:4 “We shall not live by bread alone but by the word of God.” So I was sinking deeper into his word and trying to find my life within it. Health and food challenges kept creeping up but I really bring it into focus yet.

For many years I have been under the wonderful leadership of my Senior Pastor Holly Wagner and her amazing journey to health after her breast cancer journey. Yes, I was taking vitamins and yes I had changed many bad health habits but had I really taken things to heart? Now I face myself in this mirror and the clear meaning of Matthew 4:4 ……what had I been living on all these years? Yes, I had always been the girl 25 pounds overweight and since the birth of my beautiful triplets it had only grown. The confidence I’ve always had in who I was now became my crutch and excuse to look at my health. So here I am. Exposed to you and the words I have written for you all you mommy’s to see. I can no longer live on the bread of this world and will feed on something sweeter. Catch me in a year….and hold me accountable and join me at Celebrate Recovery on Thursday nights at Oasis….maybe we can walk the journey together…..after all, don’t girls do everything together? ;)

Scriptures:

Matthew 4:4 (I don’t think I need much more for now)