When I First Believed!

THE WALK

I was cleaning out closets when I ran across a photo album of the year I studied in Spain. Here I found silly pictures and started leafing through the pages of my past. So lost, alone and unaware. Then I found it! The HOST! Yes, the very host (holy bread) blessed in church to eat as a reminder of His death!! Oh the story!!! Tears filled my eyes and I cried for that girl!!!

While living in Granada in my late teens early 20’s I had been very lost and….searching. I found myself in a world with others on the same journey. I did things teens sometimes do and in positions I stumbled upon. One night, after an evening at some bars, we ended up at a Moroccan Tea shop which are so very popular in Spain. A few hours of chai tea and smoking I started a quiet, lovely and picturesque walk to my house. I was blessed to be living with a host family that had a beautiful home right next to The Alahambra and all it’s little shops and old churches. On my walk home I became increasingly paranoid and couldn’t think straight. I quickened my pace and thought about how much this street looked like a back lot of a studio. That it was too picturesque and too perfect. I just knew it had to be a set up. I was so busy convincing myself that I was being watch that I barely noticed it!

A host. Yes, a host…the big white round one with the cross imprinted on it! Yes, the one a priest blesses as Christ’s body for us to share… there on the floor, at 2am, in the dark, in Spain, on the street! What? Surely this was part of the plot I was being set up for right? Paranoia grew. Surely I was hallucinating this! Mental note: No more tea and smoking for me. So, I kept walking but was getting closer to it and yet it didn’t disappear. Ah, a brilliant thought! It wasn’t there was it? No, it couldn’t be! A plan: I’ll step on it and prove to myself that it’s an illusion! So I walked and tried not to look at it and stepped on it and took another step….I heard it! A very clear and audible crunching sound!!! What??? I pivoted around and stared at it….now behind me….cracked, with a clear shoe mark on it. Broken into two pieces………

I fell to my knee’s, tears fell down my face, and here….it was my turn to break!!! Who was I? Lost, in a foreign country, unaware of what my current actions would do in my life so many years later. I refused to believe in this host, on the floor, so I challenged it’s existence. Yet, it still lay there, now broken because of me! He loved me!!! Even if I refused to believe in his existence and chose to challenge it by stepping on it….it remained! I sat there crying and picked it up and ran home!

I’d like to tell you my life changed immediately and life was perfect from then on! I’d like to tell you that….but it wouldn't be true. It did take me a little longer to understand however, that was the day “that I first believed.” 

Here I am 17 years later. On my living room floor, with 3 year old triplets running around and asking me what this white broken thing was. The MERCY, the GRACE….how do I explain that to them? “Mami what’s that?”…..all I could mutter… “A gift from God.”

How many times have we not taken His love, mercy, grace and favor for granted. Asking for more. Always wanting more. Not understanding the value and truth of what was already gifted to us. I am thankful for a God that despite our flaws loves us and meets us even in those dark deserted streets. You are never alone friend!!!

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?" 

Matt 18:12

Life is Like A Mixed Tape

Here I date myself.....

Anybody remember mixed tapes? Hours spent making them. Hours spent listening to them? Contemplating orders of songs and choices. What was the true message of this mixed tape? These were serious questions! You laugh but if you were a child of the 80's or even 90's you understand.

I find that at 40 life is so much like those mixed tapes. When life is going by it is important for us to always chose the next song. In this beautiful life you will find many adventures. Some welcomed with excitement and joy and others with a heavy heart simply endured. The great news is that we don't just have to sit back and wait for what "life" has for us because we know a God that has created us full of purpose and life!

Don't live your life on Pandora...waiting to see what song they'll play and where "they" will take you. Take reigns of your life and make your own Mixed Tape.  

If life is giving you a valley with a slow beat you have the choice to change tune and make it the journey you imagine your Mixed Tape of life to be!!

Plan the next song and dance my friend!

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."-Psalm 30:5

Holy Spirit whispers

As I was driving my kids to school this morning my daughter asked if she could tell me a story. Now, at 7 years old there’s only so far these stories normally go and they usually end the same however, this morning I felt a whisper from the Holy Spirit to really hear. As I listened to her story I was well aware that this story was exactly what God wanted me to hear today. I would love to share this with you!

A story from my Leilani:

“There was a little girl and she was really great at a lot of things. People always told her she was great and she liked it. She could sing, dance, act and was great at anything she did. One day she decided she wanted to do a show for her family and friends because she was so wonderful at so many things. She practiced and worked really hard. On the day of the show she did everything amazing and was so excited at the end when she took a bow for her friends and family but she didn’t hear a single applause or cheer. She didn’t understand and was confused until she looked up and looked to see why and then she noticed that during her entire show she forgot one single thing…..to open the curtain!”

Isn’t it funny how we all get caught up into thinking we are skilled, gifted or purposed at something when others applaud us? If we don’t keep our focus on God we begin to think it’s all about us and that we don’t need anyone’s help! How great would it have been if this little girl allowed her friends and family to be part of the show and depend on someone she trusted to open up that curtain!

The great works we do are nothing if we do not include others in the progress and if we forget to open the curtain what is it all for? Do you have people in your life helping you improve your story? People that hold the crucial role of opening up the windows and doors of your life for others to see the wonders God has done? God created us for community and one talented person will never go as far as a group of talented people! So invite your friends to the beautiful story you are writing and make it a beautiful show for all to see!

Thank you to my little Leilani for the story that opened my heart today! And thank you Holy Spirit for your quiet prompting whispers!!!

What's In Your Suitcase?

My husband is such a hassle-free kind of guy and it shows in all he does.

One day we were traveling for a holiday with our then 4 year old triplets and he really disliked having to lug around tons of suitcases. On our previous trips I always packed:

• 1 large suitcase for Mom & 2 girls
• 1 large suitcase for dad & son (since it's half empty I'd throw in some favorite snacks & pool toys here)
• Each kid would have their own rolling pack with toys & entertainment for the plane
• 1 backpack for mom
• 1 backpack for dad
• 1 extra carry on with emergency clothes

I think that load is pretty reasonable for a family of 5 traveling for 10 days! He disagreed and considering poor dad was left to drag them all around airports and hotels while I herded kids and got us where we needed to be I decided to let him have it his way!

On the following trip we decided to head back to our honeymoon spot of Jamaica! Oh, how excited I was to be back and to share it with my then 5 year old kids! My loving husband reminded me about the horrible suitcase situation and challenged me to only use 1 large suitcase for the ENTIRE family!  It is here that God reminded me of the strain my poor husband went through with those bags! Ugh, so with a "smile" I said yes to both of them!

First things first! What do we NOT need to take!? I started taking out snacks (triplets are big enough to eat whatever is available), floaties (they knew how to swim now), blankies (big kids, no more need for those) & books (downloaded on ipads). Ok that's as good as it gets baby!!! Once I took these things off the list and realized that all I needed to pack was clothes....MY LIFE CHANGED!!!!!

No more carrying around loads of "things" that I may or may not need. "Things" that somehow brought a false sense of comfort. "Things" that caused distractions. "Things" that hindered us from moving freely. "Things" that tied us down. "Things" we held onto because of  dependency. What freedom!!!!!!

Once I sat there and stared at the empty suitcase on the floor and the mounds of clothes still to pack I realized.....we don't even "need" these mounds of clothes! 5 sundresses per girl, 2 bathing suits and tons of underwear! 4 shorts for boys, 5 shirts, 2 pool shorts and tons of underwear! There, we were packed!! AND GUESS WHAT....HALF THE SUITCASE WAS STILL EMPTY!

What a perspective on my life! Given the right direction, challenge and vision we can all leave "things" behind that no longer serve us! Matthew 11:30 tells us "For my yoke is easy and burden is LIGHT." So how many years, detours, frustrations and tears have these "things" caused us? My friends, how easily we get fooled into believing that we need anything other than God with us. We need to stop and inspect our suitcases!

These "things" we carry with us slow us on our JOURNEY because of their weight and keep us from our PURPOSE because of the fatigue caused by the weight. So why do we insist on lugging around  unforgiveness, hurts, bitterness, resentment and hate? Who is truly choosing to pack these things in our suitcase AND on top of that who is sitting on them to make it all fit?  The answer is us! We have the power to speak to that which we choose not to carry any longer!  

So take a moment today, inspect your suitcase and throw out what is not serving you on your journey! If it does not propel you forward it holds you back! SO GO UNPACK & TRAVEL LIGHT!!!!!!

Isaiah 58:8 “Then your salvation will come like the dawn and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind."


Psalm 30:2
O Lord my God, I cried to You and You have healed me.

Three Minutes...to change your life.

A few months ago we were challenged by our Pastor to share our lives testimony in three minutes or less. The prayer was to share our story and impact others through the journey we had each been on.
Though I had been doing it on a daily basis with individuals it took on a new life as I carefully crafted what God wanted me to share. You see, the devil had been after me since I was three years old and I spent most of my life pretending nothing was wrong. I had the world convinced but the world within me was crushed.

My life took so many twists and turns that there really was no real place to start. How do you bring someone in on a roller coaster ride that's already started? But that's just what God did. 12 years ago He stepped into my roller coaster and changed the course of my life. Not only did He free me from a past but prepared me for a future with a strength I had never known.

Two years after becoming a Christian my husband and I experienced the biggest blow yet. The difference this time was that the wind was knocked out of me but not the life! I knew the promises over my life and this was most definitely not the end! When I couldn't breath He breathed life into me! As I peel back all the layers.... I see the impact each layer has to those around me and the freedom in knowing they are not alone. And sometimes knowing that you are not alone is all that it takes.

 So today I freely share my "Three minute Testimony" and the intro goes something like this:


"Hi, my name is Bonnie and I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. I am a survivor abuse, 12 years sober of chemical dependency and recovering from food addiction."
 
Of all the amazing and wonderful things we plan to do, say and risk in our lives this has been the most impactful in mine. Shedding light into what the enemy had wanted to keep in the dark and claiming freedom from a past that has nothing to do with my future.

What layer are you working on?

Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Matthew 4:4

I attended a new ministry at our church called Celebrate Recovery last night and found myself looking straight into a mirror. My husband told me I would. Have you ever had that moment when you’re minding your own business and doing things you know you “should” do and all of a sudden (ha, like things are by happenstance….nope!) you’re staring straight into a mirror at your own reflection!!! The last person I expected to meet there was myself!!!  The one thing I have learned in ministry is that by putting yourself in a world of serving others, you yourself also get served.

So right now, my busiest season with GodChicks right around the corner I start this journey. As I usually do around this time, I ask God to search me and help me bring to light whatever I’m trying to hide in darkness. Never an easy request but always a stretching, growing and beneficial one! So here I was, with my prayer once again and enter CR. In my studies I kept coming across the scripture Matthew 4:4 “We shall not live by bread alone but by the word of God.” So I was sinking deeper into his word and trying to find my life within it. Health and food challenges kept creeping up but I really bring it into focus yet.

For many years I have been under the wonderful leadership of my Senior Pastor Holly Wagner and her amazing journey to health after her breast cancer journey. Yes, I was taking vitamins and yes I had changed many bad health habits but had I really taken things to heart? Now I face myself in this mirror and the clear meaning of Matthew 4:4 ……what had I been living on all these years? Yes, I had always been the girl 25 pounds overweight and since the birth of my beautiful triplets it had only grown. The confidence I’ve always had in who I was now became my crutch and excuse to look at my health. So here I am. Exposed to you and the words I have written for you all you mommy’s to see. I can no longer live on the bread of this world and will feed on something sweeter. Catch me in a year….and hold me accountable and join me at Celebrate Recovery on Thursday nights at Oasis….maybe we can walk the journey together…..after all, don’t girls do everything together? ;)

Scriptures:

Matthew 4:4 (I don’t think I need much more for now)