When I First Believed!

THE WALK

I was cleaning out closets when I ran across a photo album of the year I studied in Spain. Here I found silly pictures and started leafing through the pages of my past. So lost, alone and unaware. Then I found it! The HOST! Yes, the very host (holy bread) blessed in church to eat as a reminder of His death!! Oh the story!!! Tears filled my eyes and I cried for that girl!!!

While living in Granada in my late teens early 20’s I had been very lost and….searching. I found myself in a world with others on the same journey. I did things teens sometimes do and in positions I stumbled upon. One night, after an evening at some bars, we ended up at a Moroccan Tea shop which are so very popular in Spain. A few hours of chai tea and smoking I started a quiet, lovely and picturesque walk to my house. I was blessed to be living with a host family that had a beautiful home right next to The Alahambra and all it’s little shops and old churches. On my walk home I became increasingly paranoid and couldn’t think straight. I quickened my pace and thought about how much this street looked like a back lot of a studio. That it was too picturesque and too perfect. I just knew it had to be a set up. I was so busy convincing myself that I was being watch that I barely noticed it!

A host. Yes, a host…the big white round one with the cross imprinted on it! Yes, the one a priest blesses as Christ’s body for us to share… there on the floor, at 2am, in the dark, in Spain, on the street! What? Surely this was part of the plot I was being set up for right? Paranoia grew. Surely I was hallucinating this! Mental note: No more tea and smoking for me. So, I kept walking but was getting closer to it and yet it didn’t disappear. Ah, a brilliant thought! It wasn’t there was it? No, it couldn’t be! A plan: I’ll step on it and prove to myself that it’s an illusion! So I walked and tried not to look at it and stepped on it and took another step….I heard it! A very clear and audible crunching sound!!! What??? I pivoted around and stared at it….now behind me….cracked, with a clear shoe mark on it. Broken into two pieces………

I fell to my knee’s, tears fell down my face, and here….it was my turn to break!!! Who was I? Lost, in a foreign country, unaware of what my current actions would do in my life so many years later. I refused to believe in this host, on the floor, so I challenged it’s existence. Yet, it still lay there, now broken because of me! He loved me!!! Even if I refused to believe in his existence and chose to challenge it by stepping on it….it remained! I sat there crying and picked it up and ran home!

I’d like to tell you my life changed immediately and life was perfect from then on! I’d like to tell you that….but it wouldn't be true. It did take me a little longer to understand however, that was the day “that I first believed.” 

Here I am 17 years later. On my living room floor, with 3 year old triplets running around and asking me what this white broken thing was. The MERCY, the GRACE….how do I explain that to them? “Mami what’s that?”…..all I could mutter… “A gift from God.”

How many times have we not taken His love, mercy, grace and favor for granted. Asking for more. Always wanting more. Not understanding the value and truth of what was already gifted to us. I am thankful for a God that despite our flaws loves us and meets us even in those dark deserted streets. You are never alone friend!!!

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?" 

Matt 18:12

Rose Bushes

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”- Abraham Lincoln

I never really liked roses. I never really understood why but I always knew.

When my husband and I started dating I asked him to never send me flowers. They just didn't mean to me what they meant to most girls. I'd prefer a box of chocolates thank you very much. So years went on like that. I never questions my discomfort with roses. They just annoyed me.

Recently we moved into a new home. A very pretty spanish style home that was cared by a lovely lady who loved roses. (of course) The entire front yard was riddled with roses bushes. Every color and all kinds! (I never even realized there were different kinds) I was annoyed by this view of my porch. So one day I decided to cut them down in preparation for a nice green lawn. I took shears and started cutting away.

A few bags later my husband walked by. I asked him what the point of such pretty things with such thorns!? It's then it all came to me. I rarely have moments where things hit me all at once but this was one of the rare few. I recalled going to buy flowers as a little girl with my Dad. Always believing they were for my mom and I but somehow they never made it home to us. He would say he never actually bought them or that they died in the car from sunlight. In this far memory I found the root of my distaste for roses. What flowers were meant to represent in our society as love and friendship actually represented betrayel and the feeling of not being "enough" for a man I loved.

There it was. So little. So simple. So sad. I finally realized that it was never about the roses but something the enemy had planted within me so many years ago. As I continued to cut these bushes that morning I said a simple prayer. "God, as I cut these out physically help me cut it out spiritually from where the roots grow. May no one ever plant what is not of you within my me. Give me the sight to pull it out not only of myself but of others around me!"

Funny thing.... a few weeks later I walked onto the porch to enjoy my coffee and saw that every single rose bush had regrown. Oh, but not just regrown but grown anew! Taller, fuller and brighter than before. So many little rose buds staring right at me! What????

I started reading articles on rose bushes and came to find out that "You could never prune a rose bush in a wrong way." Why? Because it would simply outgrow the incorrect pruning and grow anyways!

It's simply beautiful how God will never allow his children to be pruned incorrectly and will always correct the mistakes and continue to grow us!

So again I quote:

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”- Abraham Lincoln

THE WALK HOME...

Again, I was cleaning out closets when I ran across a photo album of the year I studied in Spain. Here I found silly pictures and started leafing through the pages of my past. So lost, alone and unaware. Then I found it! The HOST! Yes, the very host (holy bread) blessed in church to eat as a reminder of His death!! Oh the story!!! Tears filled my eyes and I cried for that girl!!!

While living in Granada in my late teens early 20’s I had been very lost and….searching. I found myself in a world with others on the same journey. I did things teens sometimes do and in positions I stumbled upon. One night, after an evening at some bars, we ended up at a Moroccan Tea shop which are so very popular in Spain. A few hours of chai tea and smoking hash I started a quiet, lovely and picturesque walk to my house. I was blessed to be living with a host family that had a picturesque home right next to The Alahambra and all it’s little shops and old churches. On my walk home I became increasingly paranoid and couldn’t think straight. I quickened my pace and thought about how much this street looked like a back lot of a studio. That it was too picturesque and too perfect. I just knew it had to be a set up by the government. I was so busy convincing myself that I was being watch that I barely noticed it!

A host. Yes, a host…the big white round one with the cross imprinted on it! Yes, the one a priest blesses as Christ’s body for us to share… there on the floor, at 2am, in the dark, in Spain, on the street! What? Surely this was part of the plot I was being set up for right? Paranoia grew. Surely I was hallucinating this! I was too high.  Mental note: No more tea and hash for me. So, I kept walking but was getting closer to it and yet it didn’t disappear. Ah, a brilliant thought! It wasn’t there was it? No, it couldn’t be! A plan: I’ll step on it and prove to myself that it’s an illusion! So I walked and tried not to look at it and stepped on it and took another step….I heard it! A very clear and audible crunching sound!!! What??? I pivoted around and stared at it….now behind me….cracked, with a clear shoe mark on it. Broken into two pieces………

I fell to my knee’s, tears fell down my face, and here….it was my turn to break in two!!! Who was I? Lost, in a foreign world, unaware of what my current actions would do in my life so many years later. I refused to believe in this host, on the floor, so I challenged it’s existence. Yet, it still lay there, no broken because of me! He loved me!!! Even if I refused to believe in his existence and chose to challenge it by stepping on it….it remained! I sat there crying and picked it up and ran home! Woke up my roommate to tell him about it…..though not a believer he was clearly moved and at first light….he went to church with me and we sat there quietly.

I’d like to tell you my life changed immediately and I never did anything wrong again! I’d like to tell you that….but it did take me a little longer however, that was the day “that I first believed.”

Here I am 13 years later. On my living room floor, with 3 year old triplets running around and asking me what this white broken thing was. The mercy, grace….how do I explain that to them? “Mami what’s that?”…..all I could mutter… “A present from God.”

Now I see how so many times I stepped on a gift, questioned its validity, ignored it’s existence, challenged it’s truth and yet it remained. Broken and stepped upon yet the pure value untouched. Such a testimony to my life….and to yours!

Scripture to lean on:

Mark 5: 24-34

John 4

John 9:1-20