THE WALK HOME...

Again, I was cleaning out closets when I ran across a photo album of the year I studied in Spain. Here I found silly pictures and started leafing through the pages of my past. So lost, alone and unaware. Then I found it! The HOST! Yes, the very host (holy bread) blessed in church to eat as a reminder of His death!! Oh the story!!! Tears filled my eyes and I cried for that girl!!!

While living in Granada in my late teens early 20’s I had been very lost and….searching. I found myself in a world with others on the same journey. I did things teens sometimes do and in positions I stumbled upon. One night, after an evening at some bars, we ended up at a Moroccan Tea shop which are so very popular in Spain. A few hours of chai tea and smoking hash I started a quiet, lovely and picturesque walk to my house. I was blessed to be living with a host family that had a picturesque home right next to The Alahambra and all it’s little shops and old churches. On my walk home I became increasingly paranoid and couldn’t think straight. I quickened my pace and thought about how much this street looked like a back lot of a studio. That it was too picturesque and too perfect. I just knew it had to be a set up by the government. I was so busy convincing myself that I was being watch that I barely noticed it!

A host. Yes, a host…the big white round one with the cross imprinted on it! Yes, the one a priest blesses as Christ’s body for us to share… there on the floor, at 2am, in the dark, in Spain, on the street! What? Surely this was part of the plot I was being set up for right? Paranoia grew. Surely I was hallucinating this! I was too high.  Mental note: No more tea and hash for me. So, I kept walking but was getting closer to it and yet it didn’t disappear. Ah, a brilliant thought! It wasn’t there was it? No, it couldn’t be! A plan: I’ll step on it and prove to myself that it’s an illusion! So I walked and tried not to look at it and stepped on it and took another step….I heard it! A very clear and audible crunching sound!!! What??? I pivoted around and stared at it….now behind me….cracked, with a clear shoe mark on it. Broken into two pieces………

I fell to my knee’s, tears fell down my face, and here….it was my turn to break in two!!! Who was I? Lost, in a foreign world, unaware of what my current actions would do in my life so many years later. I refused to believe in this host, on the floor, so I challenged it’s existence. Yet, it still lay there, no broken because of me! He loved me!!! Even if I refused to believe in his existence and chose to challenge it by stepping on it….it remained! I sat there crying and picked it up and ran home! Woke up my roommate to tell him about it…..though not a believer he was clearly moved and at first light….he went to church with me and we sat there quietly.

I’d like to tell you my life changed immediately and I never did anything wrong again! I’d like to tell you that….but it did take me a little longer however, that was the day “that I first believed.”

Here I am 13 years later. On my living room floor, with 3 year old triplets running around and asking me what this white broken thing was. The mercy, grace….how do I explain that to them? “Mami what’s that?”…..all I could mutter… “A present from God.”

Now I see how so many times I stepped on a gift, questioned its validity, ignored it’s existence, challenged it’s truth and yet it remained. Broken and stepped upon yet the pure value untouched. Such a testimony to my life….and to yours!

Scripture to lean on:

Mark 5: 24-34

John 4

John 9:1-20

The happiest place on earth!

Today we took the triplets to Disneyland.

We’ve taken them before but so young they were unaware of what it really was. Today I could see it in their eyes. They took it all in and were in awe of this wonderful place Mami & Papi knew about . They met princesses, Buzz Light Year, Mickey and all the magical characters they loved. I could see the wonder in their eyes. Not just the joy they were experiencing but the magical wonder. I am sure their 3 year old minds had questions such as… where are we? Are they real? Why are they so big? But not one question was asked! They just smiled and hugged them and clapped and danced around. Accepting them for what they were and celebrating their “realness” in front of them! They trust us completely and never worry about what we are presenting to them. For we live by faith, not by sight. (2Corin5:7)

We can all learn from this trust and faith but what really got me was later.

We were standing in line for a ride. They were excited and couldn’t stand still. They were talking over each other and not letting us answer the flurry of questions. We just looked at each other and laughed as other people stared at the crazy chaos of our every day lives. Then…….I began to cry!

Now, most of you mommies know me. I’m not the easiest egg to crack and even I didn’t understand. It was a deep sadness that I had tapped into and was unaware it was there!

I had flashbacks of going to Disney with my parents and as an only child I would stare at what appeared to be happy families, laughing, enjoying the moment and talking to their kids. My father had lived a hard life and was a hard man and carried an intense mood that spilled onto us everywhere we went. We pretended to be a happy family but it felt like a façade and deep sadness lived inside.

Here I am……26 plus years later and I could see this one only child staring at us and smiling.

I saw myself in his eyes and another wall was instantly broken.  What had stood tall in my heart for over 3 decades melted. One second I acknowledged a deep hurt, the next second brought down a wall and the third second filled it with deep joy!

I was now part of this happy family I had wondered about so many years ago! When did I switch spots?!  THANK YOU JESUS!! Was it appropriate to fall on my knees at Disneyland and praise God?! …. Don’t hold your breath…. I did! I hugged my kids and told my husband about it. The twinkle in his eyes, as I told him what had just transpired quietly in front of him, confirmed it all for me. I saw nothing but pride, love and understanding and a “welcome home” in his eyes.  

That day Disneyland held true to their slogan “The happiest place on earth” never rang so true. But the reality is that this could have happened at any time at any place. I just needed the eyes to see and the ears to hear…..We all have it at our grasp. We just need to look at the picture again and decide what side we're standing on. Are you living on the side of the past or the present?

Scripture to lean on:

“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. (Mark 10:52)