PUT A (NEW) RING ON IT!

It's now been 14 months since I started this health journey. This Thanksgiving one of my wedding rings fell off my finger and was lost for a day. I realized how loose they were a week ago and was thinking I should have them adjusted...but of course time alluded me for that.

For years I have been blessed to serve God under an amazing leader who battled her own health journey and armed herself with all the knowledge of leading a healthy life. And yes, I have been listening and this entire time I have been getting healthy on the spiritual and emotional side and not really thinking about the physical side. Now this physical side has come into alignment once again.

The one thing I realized is that my self confidence has somehow failed me. Let me explain.
Being confident in who I am, who I want to be and who God has designed for me to be has never been an issue for me. However, because of this confidence I have somehow failed to see some very obvious things in front of me.

Funny how the thing that makes you strong actually makes you weak.

I can remember that during my entire life I have always been confident in who I was. Regardless of what size I wore I knew I could do anything I focused on and desired to. My confidence always attracted friends and always kept me at the top of my class. Now I can look back and see where this confidence actually failed me in other ways. I was asking my husband about what he thought of my confidence when we met and he admitted that he was attracted to me because I always knew who I was and what I wanted and where I was going. He wanted to go on that ride too! lol!

So, this confidence could have very much saved my life as a little girl, helped me cope, pushed me to be the best at school, made me look for challenges and led me to my dear husband. But at some point there comes a moment of inspection to see where this confidence can also make me weak and allow myself a moment of humility where I can grow.

I heard a trainer say "Pain is weakness leaving your body." I had to sit and chew on how profound this actually was. It reminded "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."  (2Timothy 1:7)

Maybe mine was just a bit misguided and lacking of self-control but the confidence came from God, grown through some pain and now living in a body filled with strength! Now if I can only get my rings adjusted.....or have my husband "PUT A RING ON IT' ....as an encore of course! ;)


Scriptures to lean on:

Psalm 27:3

Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

ps... if Daddy wont... my son will! :)

Carry the Load

So I have to admit I'm a bit of a princess at home. My husband has spoiled me and he kindly pointed it out.

Our home has multiple levels and sometimes a heavy laundry basket can't seem to make it's way down the stairs or up the stairs. I put it in the middle of the walk way to clue him in to carry it for me to the location I need it in. He came home one evening and a basket was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs to carry up. He walked into our room with the basket and asked... "How do these baskets make it up and down on their own when I'm not around? You are not weak, sometimes you just choose to be." and with that he set me in place!

Ha, such a little comment about a silly basket but it actually hit me to heart. How many times have I been fully equipped to do something but refuse to lean on the strength growing within and wait for the "savior" to help us carry the load. Society, culture our very own self keeps us tied to an identity of weakness that is not ours to hold.  I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME! (Phil 4:13)

I gained 89 pounds, mostly in my belly, with the triplets and when Doctors urged us to "reduce" (medical term for abortion) in order to give the other two a better chance at survival I didn't flinch and instantly understood..."You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." (Psalm 139:13) This 5 foot frame carried triplets with no high blood pressure, no gestational diabetes, no anemia and no preeclampsia...the question is, what can't I do?!

Sometimes you just forget and need someone to put you in your place! Gotta go.....there's a basket with my name! ;)

THE "F" WORD

So, as many of us do…today I was trying to clean house. I have become such an expunger and need to rid myself of excess furniture, clothes, shoes, trinkets and clean house! I ran across our triplet stroller and decided to post it in Craigs List. Soon, I was contacted by a pregnant mom who was in the early stages of her triplet pregnancy and had a few questions. She was interested in the stroller but also was contemplating “reduction” (medical term for early abortion as a means to save the other multiples) as recommended by her Doctor. She asked me how I came to my conclusion to carry all three and how I am doing today. Odd for a Craigs List posting eh? Ok God…..I’m always ready to share!  I didn’t hold back….I told her the story.

The point came that I had to decide what I truly believed in and what was I going to stand on. Facts, Fiction or Faith? 

Doctors had Facts. They gave me statistics and scenarios and even people I could discuss them with that had been on the same journey.

The world had Fiction….was I going to believe what this world was trying to tell me? The lies the enemy was about to put in my head and the insecurity he would try to sell me now?

Faith……the one thing that I knew that I knew that I knew and had not failed me! No, not all my prayers have been answered the way I wanted them to but they had been answered and always to my betterment!

I think we all get to a point in our lives where we are stripped of the exterior and are left to see what truly lives in the inside. Sometimes, we don’t even know what it is until its exposed. Here is what I found:

1. Facts…they constantly change! New discovery, new science and new findings!

2. Fiction…it’s what the world would like us to believe and what the enemy speaks!

3. Faith….is constant….His word never changes! It is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow! (Hebrews 13:8)

So, here I am, on the other side of the story. Yes, you may think it’s easy for me to preach this now but know that there was deep loss that we went through along this journey. The journey….this path you are to walk alone with nobody….but God to look to. I can only tell you what the bible says and I can share my life with you. At the end, you have to decide on your own F word. Which is it?

And I venture to say that yes, sometimes it’s ok to even use the 4^th F word…..it’s ok to admit that sometimes things just stink! But you'll have to decide at some point leave that spot, wipe the tears and sweat and walk... or even drag yourself out if you have to! I did.

Scriptures to lean on:

Isaiah 54

THE WALK HOME...

Again, I was cleaning out closets when I ran across a photo album of the year I studied in Spain. Here I found silly pictures and started leafing through the pages of my past. So lost, alone and unaware. Then I found it! The HOST! Yes, the very host (holy bread) blessed in church to eat as a reminder of His death!! Oh the story!!! Tears filled my eyes and I cried for that girl!!!

While living in Granada in my late teens early 20’s I had been very lost and….searching. I found myself in a world with others on the same journey. I did things teens sometimes do and in positions I stumbled upon. One night, after an evening at some bars, we ended up at a Moroccan Tea shop which are so very popular in Spain. A few hours of chai tea and smoking hash I started a quiet, lovely and picturesque walk to my house. I was blessed to be living with a host family that had a picturesque home right next to The Alahambra and all it’s little shops and old churches. On my walk home I became increasingly paranoid and couldn’t think straight. I quickened my pace and thought about how much this street looked like a back lot of a studio. That it was too picturesque and too perfect. I just knew it had to be a set up by the government. I was so busy convincing myself that I was being watch that I barely noticed it!

A host. Yes, a host…the big white round one with the cross imprinted on it! Yes, the one a priest blesses as Christ’s body for us to share… there on the floor, at 2am, in the dark, in Spain, on the street! What? Surely this was part of the plot I was being set up for right? Paranoia grew. Surely I was hallucinating this! I was too high.  Mental note: No more tea and hash for me. So, I kept walking but was getting closer to it and yet it didn’t disappear. Ah, a brilliant thought! It wasn’t there was it? No, it couldn’t be! A plan: I’ll step on it and prove to myself that it’s an illusion! So I walked and tried not to look at it and stepped on it and took another step….I heard it! A very clear and audible crunching sound!!! What??? I pivoted around and stared at it….now behind me….cracked, with a clear shoe mark on it. Broken into two pieces………

I fell to my knee’s, tears fell down my face, and here….it was my turn to break in two!!! Who was I? Lost, in a foreign world, unaware of what my current actions would do in my life so many years later. I refused to believe in this host, on the floor, so I challenged it’s existence. Yet, it still lay there, no broken because of me! He loved me!!! Even if I refused to believe in his existence and chose to challenge it by stepping on it….it remained! I sat there crying and picked it up and ran home! Woke up my roommate to tell him about it…..though not a believer he was clearly moved and at first light….he went to church with me and we sat there quietly.

I’d like to tell you my life changed immediately and I never did anything wrong again! I’d like to tell you that….but it did take me a little longer however, that was the day “that I first believed.”

Here I am 13 years later. On my living room floor, with 3 year old triplets running around and asking me what this white broken thing was. The mercy, grace….how do I explain that to them? “Mami what’s that?”…..all I could mutter… “A present from God.”

Now I see how so many times I stepped on a gift, questioned its validity, ignored it’s existence, challenged it’s truth and yet it remained. Broken and stepped upon yet the pure value untouched. Such a testimony to my life….and to yours!

Scripture to lean on:

Mark 5: 24-34

John 4

John 9:1-20

Matthew 4:4

I attended a new ministry at our church called Celebrate Recovery last night and found myself looking straight into a mirror. My husband told me I would. Have you ever had that moment when you’re minding your own business and doing things you know you “should” do and all of a sudden (ha, like things are by happenstance….nope!) you’re staring straight into a mirror at your own reflection!!! The last person I expected to meet there was myself!!!  The one thing I have learned in ministry is that by putting yourself in a world of serving others, you yourself also get served.

So right now, my busiest season with GodChicks right around the corner I start this journey. As I usually do around this time, I ask God to search me and help me bring to light whatever I’m trying to hide in darkness. Never an easy request but always a stretching, growing and beneficial one! So here I was, with my prayer once again and enter CR. In my studies I kept coming across the scripture Matthew 4:4 “We shall not live by bread alone but by the word of God.” So I was sinking deeper into his word and trying to find my life within it. Health and food challenges kept creeping up but I really bring it into focus yet.

For many years I have been under the wonderful leadership of my Senior Pastor Holly Wagner and her amazing journey to health after her breast cancer journey. Yes, I was taking vitamins and yes I had changed many bad health habits but had I really taken things to heart? Now I face myself in this mirror and the clear meaning of Matthew 4:4 ……what had I been living on all these years? Yes, I had always been the girl 25 pounds overweight and since the birth of my beautiful triplets it had only grown. The confidence I’ve always had in who I was now became my crutch and excuse to look at my health. So here I am. Exposed to you and the words I have written for you all you mommy’s to see. I can no longer live on the bread of this world and will feed on something sweeter. Catch me in a year….and hold me accountable and join me at Celebrate Recovery on Thursday nights at Oasis….maybe we can walk the journey together…..after all, don’t girls do everything together? ;)

Scriptures:

Matthew 4:4 (I don’t think I need much more for now)

A BIG DAY - SCHOOL

Today the triplets started preschool full time (5 days a week) and I started Grad School. Such momentous days for all of us and they are not even aware! Made me wonder how many momentous days have gone by in our lives that our heavenly Father has witnessed while we remained unaware. Does He reveal small pieces of the puzzle at a time or do we only have eyes to see the small pieces of the puzzle? I believe it’s a little of both. I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I can trust the plans, I can trust the journey, I can trust in Him. After all, look where you’ve come from? Look how far you are? Could we have explained it to you?

The funny thing is that I actually dislike puzzles. I figure…if I can see the picture on the front cover what is the point of recreating a broken one? It’s not going to suddenly surprise me by the beautiful landscape it becomes. I see the end already. AND the one I’m about to recreate will pale to the cover because mine will have ridges and indentations in it….I fail to see the point. 

It is at this very moment that I am reminded that it is all a choice. We are not living to recreate a picture He already see’s. We are creating the original masterpiece and He is watching us birth it with every decision we make! We are the artists, we chose which pieces to put together and with each brushstroke we create a piece of the infinite tapestry!

For today, I celebrate the start of this journey quietly on my own and know that one day we will all share in the fruit of what it all means. For now, I admire the puzzle pieces I CAN see and look forward to the masterpiece I will see one day. Can you see the piece that you are weaving? Can you imagine the bigger picture you’re a part of today?

Scriptures to lean on:

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

The happiest place on earth!

Today we took the triplets to Disneyland.

We’ve taken them before but so young they were unaware of what it really was. Today I could see it in their eyes. They took it all in and were in awe of this wonderful place Mami & Papi knew about . They met princesses, Buzz Light Year, Mickey and all the magical characters they loved. I could see the wonder in their eyes. Not just the joy they were experiencing but the magical wonder. I am sure their 3 year old minds had questions such as… where are we? Are they real? Why are they so big? But not one question was asked! They just smiled and hugged them and clapped and danced around. Accepting them for what they were and celebrating their “realness” in front of them! They trust us completely and never worry about what we are presenting to them. For we live by faith, not by sight. (2Corin5:7)

We can all learn from this trust and faith but what really got me was later.

We were standing in line for a ride. They were excited and couldn’t stand still. They were talking over each other and not letting us answer the flurry of questions. We just looked at each other and laughed as other people stared at the crazy chaos of our every day lives. Then…….I began to cry!

Now, most of you mommies know me. I’m not the easiest egg to crack and even I didn’t understand. It was a deep sadness that I had tapped into and was unaware it was there!

I had flashbacks of going to Disney with my parents and as an only child I would stare at what appeared to be happy families, laughing, enjoying the moment and talking to their kids. My father had lived a hard life and was a hard man and carried an intense mood that spilled onto us everywhere we went. We pretended to be a happy family but it felt like a façade and deep sadness lived inside.

Here I am……26 plus years later and I could see this one only child staring at us and smiling.

I saw myself in his eyes and another wall was instantly broken.  What had stood tall in my heart for over 3 decades melted. One second I acknowledged a deep hurt, the next second brought down a wall and the third second filled it with deep joy!

I was now part of this happy family I had wondered about so many years ago! When did I switch spots?!  THANK YOU JESUS!! Was it appropriate to fall on my knees at Disneyland and praise God?! …. Don’t hold your breath…. I did! I hugged my kids and told my husband about it. The twinkle in his eyes, as I told him what had just transpired quietly in front of him, confirmed it all for me. I saw nothing but pride, love and understanding and a “welcome home” in his eyes.  

That day Disneyland held true to their slogan “The happiest place on earth” never rang so true. But the reality is that this could have happened at any time at any place. I just needed the eyes to see and the ears to hear…..We all have it at our grasp. We just need to look at the picture again and decide what side we're standing on. Are you living on the side of the past or the present?

Scripture to lean on:

“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. (Mark 10:52)

You have triplets?????

The question I get several times a week.

I never really know where these start-up conversations are gonna go. It could be plain curiosity, awe, delight, a few times disgust and many more than I can ever count a true ministry moment. Regardless of what my day has looked like, where I’m going and what mood the kids are in ..I have learned to listen to the words that they are NOT saying. I take a moment to chat with them and be open with my story. 

They say that most people aren’t as open to talk about Christianity or open to be invited to church but my life story has Jesus written all over it so I can share that! I don’t have to speak scriptures, wear a cross or tell them what I do for a living. All they have to do is hear my story unfold and the fruit overflow. I like answering questions about how I do things, how tired I must be, how much help I must have, how tired I must be,  how overwhelmed I must feel......how tired I must be!
What keeps me going?? There is an alternate story the enemy tried to tell!  

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10) The raw truth is that my story could have been different. Regardless of how tired, stressed, busy and unappreciated you must feel think of the alternative! My husband and I could still be trying to have a family and praying for an answer but instead, we have been given a gift (though bigger than we had ever prayed for) so why would I now turn to Him and complain????

Don’t get me wrong…. Of course we have our moments…after all, we're human…. but I refuse to dwell there!! Who wins?? Instead, I give myself a minute….cry out to God about how tired, stressed, busy or unappreciated I feel and ask for His strength not mine! Then I spend 3 minutes thanking Him for just that.....the fatigue, stress and the business of my life!!! What else could I be doing now if the alternative had been true?! 

This world can quickly turn your biggest blessing into your biggest thorn if you allow it to. So my advise….take a minute and talk to those who stop you because you may be planting a seed or watering a seed but truly they are reminding YOU of your very own story and blessings!  Who are you talking to today and what are you focusing on? Remember, the story is not about you....it might just be about that divine meeting and that person that was specifically sent to you!

Scriptures to lean on:

Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! (Hebrews 13:2)

Why I attempt.......

Today is the start of this late in coming blog. I had two blogs going. A family picture, funny story one and a mommy one. The family one has suffered with no updates for over a year and the mommy one is too behind to keep going! So, here we go. I will merge them both. I will post all the most commented on old posts and start with new fresh ones soon.

(note from my old post....thought it was worth repeating as I obviously failed!....here's to try #2)

I figured that in this age of multi-media explosion it could serve as a journal. Not like the 15-20 half written in,  months apart… makes no sense kinda journals but one my kids could laugh (or cringe) at in a few years. My prayer is that I follow through on this and it doesn’t fail as my written ones have and that many can learn from the journey I am on. After all, I am just a blessed mommy in process!

Enjoy the comedy of our lives!!